Bleach: The Halloween of DOOM
by pheonixflamechimera78
Summary: Want to see how the Bleach characters spent their Halloween? Rated for language, drunk Barbie cheerleaders, etc. Written in a desperate attempt to keep the Halloween spirit alive throughout the year. On a completely irrelevant note, merry Christmas!
1. Soul Society part 1

**Meow: Mango kept on procrastinating again…pfft. Well, Meow made a Halloween special for you all. :D**

**Disclaimer: …pheonixflamechimera78 doesn't own Bleach. Rejoice, for the Day of Judgment has yet to pass. I just felt like writing that.**

Plain text=…plain text.

"Quoted plain text"=talking

_Italics_=setting/thoughts/emphasis

**Bold**=Meow's A/Ns

**Happy Halloween from Meow and Mango! (This was written on Halloween…Meow didn't post it because there was a Halloween party Mango's house. And on Halloween, candy is more important than fanfiction. Heck, candy is more important than everything all the time. So the "extending the Halloween spirit" crap was a lie. Oh well.)**

_October 24, 2009_

"…Other announcements…oh, yes!" boomed Yamamoto's voice throughout the Soul Society. "Seated officers of the Gotei 13 are encouraged to register for the Costume Contest to be held a week from today at the Halloween Party! That concludes the announcements for today, and have a nice day fighting and dying to protect a royal family that none of you have met or even seen!" **Nobody can actually argue with that.**

_Squad 2 Barracks_

_Hmm…_thought Soi Fon._ I would dearly love to dress up as Yoruichi-sama; however, I must be careful not to disgrace her…hmm…_

"Eh, taichou, are you gonna dress up?!" asked Omaeda, who was, as usual, eating something. Nobody really knew what, nor did they want to know. **Whoa. That basically directly came out of Artemis Fowl. Should I quote that, or disclaim that, or what? … *sweat drop***

"Shut up, you useless fat slob!" answered the small captain irritably. "I am _thinking_, which may I add, is something you rarely do!" **Burn, Omaeda, **_**burn**_**.**

Ignoring Soi Fon, Omaeda went on. "I'm not going to dress up, because there isn't a _single_ costume good enough for me."

"Correction, Omaeda, there isn't a _single_ costume that comes in a size _big_ enough for you. Now shut the hell up, and do my- I mean your paperwork!"

_Squad 3 Barracks_

_It's so lonely here,_ thought Izuru. _I'm not really in the mood to dress up…meh…I don't even want to go to the party…I wish taichou were here…I wish Momo loved me…I wish I wasn't the only blond in the Soul Society…_** T_T Poor Izu-kun…**

_Squad 4 Barracks_

"I'm going to dress up, Isane," said Unohana in her gentle voice while smiling. "Are you going to dress up?"

"Well, taichou," replied Isane. "I don't really know what to go as, so I guess not."

"I think it would be a great idea for you to dress up, Isane. You work too hard. You deserve a break."

"But, taichou, I don't know what to go as!"

"I don't care, Isane, _dress up_," said Unohana in the same motherly voice, wearing the same kind smile.

Isane decided to dress up.

_Squad 5 Barracks_

_I wonder if Aizen-taichou will dress up,_ thought Momo. _He wouldn't consider it too childish…no…I wonder what he'll go as…I wonder if he's doing okay…I wonder if those arrancar are too idiotic for him…I wonder if he'll come back…_ **We seem to be following a pattern here…**

_Squad 6 Barracks_

_Hmph, how childish,_ thought Byakuya as soon as Yamamoto's voice stopped echoing around the room. And then, _I will have to remember to file a complaint about how loud these speakers are._

"Taichou, I'm going to dress up!" said Renji excitedly. "Are you going to?"

"I consider this completely unnecessary and childish," said Byakuya. "I most certainly have no intention to attend."

"But I'm going as a pineapple!"

"It was my impression that everybody already considers you one."

"No, I'm going as a green-and-yellow, actual, big, pineapple!"

Byakuya blinked. "Dyeing your hair does not actually qualify as a costume, Abarai." **I know, I know, overused…blah blah blah. Whatever. It was too good to pass up.**

_Squad 7 Barracks_

"Iba, I'm going as a cat!"

_Hol-ey shit,_ thought Iba.

_Squad 8 Barracks_

"Nanao-chan~!"

SMACK.

"OW! Nanao-chan, I just wanted to see if you would go to the contest with me!"

"No."

"But Nanao-chan, I wanted to be a sake bottle, and it wouldn't be any fun without a cup!"

"Sigh…If you insist on embarrassing yourself, I suppose it cannot be helped."

"See? Nanao-chan likes me, she just can't admit it!"

"Shut up, or I'm not going!"

"Yes ma'am."

_Squad 9 Barracks_

_I don't want to go, _thought Hisagi as he sat in the desk that used to belong to Tousen. _I'm too busy feeling betrayed. I'm too busy being a pervert and thinking about Rangiku. I'm too busy getting drunk. I'm too busy hating my powers. I'm too busy thinking. I'm too busy being busy._ And then,_ I'm too busy being pathetic._ **O_O Angst, man, angst. Nothing quite like it.**

_Squad 10 Barracks_

"Wow, taichou, we could totally go! You could be…a kitty! And I'll be a sexy maid!"

"Matsumoto, I'm _not_ going as a freaking _cat_, and you will _not_ be a 'sexy maid'! I forbid you from going to that stupid party in any costume that flaunts your…assets!"

"But, taichou, I'll do all my paperwork for a day!"

Hitsugaya was impressed, but this was too good an opportunity to give up. Besides, if he went as a kitty, Momo might think he was cute. "Hmm…a week. And you have to be sober for the entire week."

"Three days for paperwork and no alcohol!"

"Four."

"Deal!"

_Squad 11 Barracks_

"…and that's why Maki-Maki should go as a Christmas tree, Pachinko-Ball should go as shower curtains, Drag Queen should go as an inflatable bed, and Kenny should go as a diaper!" finished Yachiru.

Silence filled the room.

And then, "I object."

All heads turned toward Yumichika, hoping that he would save them all.

"Inflatable beds are not beautiful in any way. I would much rather be something like a down comforter."

All dreams of salvation were instantly dashed. **What can I say, they were idiots to trust Yumichika to save them anyway.**

_Squad 12 Barracks_

"Nemu, I am going as an Egyptian pharaoh, and you will be the Sphinx!" _**Look**_** at Mayuri, and tell me that Kubo didn't watch too many Egypt movies while creating him.**

"Yes, Mayuri-sama."

_Squad 13 Barracks_

"I wanted to go as tea, and I need a kettle and…" said Ukitake.

"I will be your kettle, sir! I'll do whatever you need me to do!" yelled Sentaro.

"I will make a better kettle, sir!" said Kiyone.

"I will be a more devoted kettle, sir!"

"I will be a more enthusiastic kettle, sir!"

"No, I will!"

"No, I will, ass-kisser!"

"No, I will, suck-up bitch!"

The verbal fight turned into a sissy fight, which turned into an all-out, on the floor brawl. This continued for several minutes before Ukitake said, "…I also needed a teabag…"

"I will be your teabag, sir!"

"No, I will!"

"No, I will, ass-kisser!"

"No, I will, suck-up bitch!"

_October 25, 2009_

"All taichous and fukutaichous who have not registered will be assigned costumes by Kusajishi-fukutaichou of the 11th squad," said Yamamoto's voice over the speakers.

Seven people just got doomed.

**GASP!!!! WHAT WILL HAPPEN?!**

**I don't know. **

**To be continued…! Dun dun dun…**


	2. Hueco Mundo part 1

**Meow: What are the people in Hueco Mundo doing for Halloween? After all, it's their holiday, if anyone's.**

**Disclaimer: pheonixflamechimera78 doesn't own Bleach, Barbie, Barney, Thomas the Train, or Skittles. All we own is our nonsensically long name.**

Plain text=…plain text.

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_Italics_=setting/thoughts/emphasis

**Bold**=Meow's A/Ns

**Hope you had a good Halloween! (We sure did.)**

_October 24, 2009 in Hueco Mundo_

"And that concludes the summary of our evil plots for world domination," said Aizen epically. "Now, we shall move on to a subject that is far more pressing that even that. Because we exist in a dimension populated by huge, heartless, soul-eating monsters with unworldly powers, it has been decided that we should honor the holiday that celebrates freaks like us, Halloween.

"I have assigned you all costumes. Stark, you shall be…a roof tile," he said, reading from a list.

"Zzz…mmm, waffles…" said Stark intelligently.

"Barragan, you will be a toothbrush."

"When I was yer age, I was king, and we didn't have to dress up for none of these silly holidays," complained Barragan. "Then you young whippersnappers come along, and now even the elderly have to suffer with you. Shame, I say! Shame!"

Ignoring the self-proclaimed god, Aizen went on. "Halibel, you will be a salt shaker."

"…are these absolutely mandatory?" asked Halibel.

"Yes. Ulquiorra, you will be a drunken Barbie cheerleader."

"Yes, Aizen-sama." **O_O Wow, Ulquiorra, wow.**

"Nnoitra, you will be a fork."

"Nooooo!!!!!! Not the dreaded enemy!!!!!" wailed Nnoitra.

For the first time in years, Aizen looked disturbed. And because he lives with the Espada, you have to give the guy some credit. "Yes, Nnoitra, the 'dreaded enemy'. Grimmjow, you will be Barney the Purple Dinosaur." **Wow, just typing those words pain me.**

"Fuck!" said Grimmjow.

"Now, now, my children, no foul language, please," said Aizen in what he hoped was a paternal voice.

The Espada interpreted it as just plain creepy and scooted away from him, which is no mean feat in a ten-foot-tall rock chair. Even Gin and Tousen took a step away.

Aizen continued dishing out what he thought was costume assignments, but what the Espada thought was their punishment for their sins from their past ten lives. "Zommari, you will dress up as Cupid."

"Finally, an excuse to force people to accept my love!"

Gin, of all people, was most mortified. "Uh, Aizen, I think you just made him creepier. And just when I didn't think that was possible."

Aizen ignored him. "Szayel, you will go as a copy machine."

Szayel was outraged. "That role does not befit an entity as perfect as myself!" **When I first typed it, I accidentally typed, "that role does not befit an entity as sucky as myself" because that was what I was thinking. Don't get me wrong, I think Szayel's pretty awesome for a drag queen (just kidding), but it just popped into my head randomly.**

Nobody commented because nobody cared enough to. "Aaroniero, you will be a hot dog."

Silence.

And then, Grimmjow said, "Where the hell _is_ Aaroniero, anyway?"

Yammy was getting irritated. He didn't give a damn about Aaroniero, he _really_ didn't want to find out what his costume was, and he was hungry. "Nobody cares! This place is a real love fest, isn't it?! Now shut the fuck up and let's get this over with so we can have dinner!"

Grimmjow was annoyed at Yammy for stealing his word. Nobody steals Grimmjow's word.

"You retarded cannibalistic son of a bitch! We already had dinner! Guess what it was? Tacos! Yesterday was burritos! What did we have to wash it down besides fucking tea? Tequila and margaritas! I'm sick and tired of Mexican food!

"I'm French! Read my name! Jeagerjaques! That's freaking French! _I'm_ freaking French! I don't want to live in a place with a Spanish name, eat Mexican food every _fucking _day, and have powers with Spanish names, and I'm sure I'm not the only one who thinks so! Ulquiorra's like German or something! Do you agree with me, you retarded emo?!"

"If Aizen-sama wishes that we stay here, I will be content."

"…fuck you, Batboy."

Aizen just acted like the whole thing never happened. He seemed to be making a habit out of that lately. "Yammy, you will be a backpack."

"…what the hell?"

"Tousen, you will be Thomas the Train."

"Yes, Aizen-sama. I am grateful, for Thomas the Train is a pure being, one that is not tainted by injustice."

For the second time that day, Aizen looked disturbed. Another thing that was happening more and more often. "Gin, you will be a bag of Skittles."

"Yay!!!! Kids love Skittles!!!!"

"Oh, wait, I read it wrong. _I'm_ going to be the bag of Skittles, and Gin will be homework."

"Oh,_ that's_ just not fair." **Pedophile alert!!! Once again, don't get me wrong, it was just too funny. XD**

**GASP!!!! WHAT WILL HAPPEN?!**

**I actually do know. Just keep on reading through the next chapters, and find out what happens (after chapter three, because that's the Soul Society contest and party) when they go trick-or-treating!**

**Oh, and sorry if I offended anyone in Grimmkitty's rant. Although I'm not sure how anyone would be offended…whatever.**

**Bai-bai!**


	3. Soul Society part 2

**Meow: I can't believe I dragged it out so long…I'm so lazy…**

**So, this is the party and contest! Yay! It's finally here!!!!! I'm more excited than any of you, because I have no idea what's going on, or who's going to be what, so just keep in mind that I'm making this up as I go along.**

**Disclaimer: pheonixflamechimera78 does not own Bleach or anything else that may come up that needs to be disclaimed during this chapter.**

Plain text=…plain text.

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_Italics_=setting/thoughts/emphasis

**Bold**=Meow's A/Ns

"HEEELLLPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Renji, who was actually in a full-body green-and-yellow pineapple suit. "A giant lemon is rolling down the hill!!!! It's the apocalypse!!!!!!!!!!"

Said giant lemon then crashed into Renji and rolled over him towards a wall, which it then righted itself against.

"HEEELLLPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Renji from the floor. "It's a homicidal giant lemon that can walk!!!!!"

"You idiot!" hissed the giant lemon. "It's me! Izuru! I'm inside the lemon!"

"HEEELLLPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Renji a third time. "The homicidal giant lemon that can walk ate Izuru!!!!"

"How stupid can you _get_?!" asked the giant lemon in exasperation. "I _am_ the giant lemon! This is my _costume_!!!!!!!!!"

"HEEELLLPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The homicidal giant lemon that can walk that ate Izuru is crashing the costume party!!!!!!! Everybody run for cov-HURK!" said Renji, whose windpipe was stepped on by the Izuru-lemon.

"Well done, Kira-fukutaichou," said what appeared to be a giant banana. "I see you've managed to shut him up."

"HEEELLLPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yellow fruits are invading Soul Society!!!" screamed Renji the wounded pineapple with amazing volume for someone whose windpipe just got stepped on.

Byakuya (for of course it was he) looked at Renji with a mix of pity and annoyance. "The hair dye must have leaked inside his head," he said, still apparently unaware that Renji's costume was, in fact, more than just dyed hair. "And also, if yellow fruits were indeed invading the Soul Society, then wouldn't a pineapple also be within the invading force?"

**Because the authoress has no idea what to do,** Yachiru, who was dressed up as a pink mouse, appeared out of nowhere before anyone had a chance to say anything intelligent, but considering the circumstances, intelligent conversation was extremely unlikely anyway.

"Bya-kun!!! Izurun!!! You dressed up!!! Yay!!!" she said while standing on top of Renji's face, either not knowing or not caring where she was standing.

"Eh, would someone _please_ explain to my _why_ I'm dressed up as a lemon again?" asked Izuru.

"Because Izurun's a yellow-head, and you always look so sour!!!" explained Yachiru. "And I was hungry when I came up with the costumes."

"Erofemehfass," said the pineapple from under Yachiru's feet. **Candy for everyone who figures out what he's saying.**

Yachiru looked down. "Red Pineapple!!! You dyed your hair!!! It looks good!!!"

"Erofemehfass," said Renji again, a little louder this time.

"Hee hee!!! Red Pineapple talks funny!" giggled Yachiru. "Well, Izurun, Red Pineapple, Bya-kun, I have to go see the other costumes!"

_At the Judging_

"Well, at the request of the Shinigami Women's Association, we have decided to make this part fashion show," said Izuru, the announcer, and one could have sworn there were tears streaming down his cheeks. **I don't blame him.**

Several minutes later, makeshift runway was lit up and ready to go.

Yamamoto and Chojiro walked out, and the room went deathly quiet.

Yamamoto was a whoopee cushion, and Chojiro was a Nerd. Not a nerd like a geek nerd, but like a candy-covered sugar crystal Nerd.

Yachiru's explanation: "Well, Shun-Shun always calls Gramps an 'old fart', and I don't really care about Tea Man, I wanted candy."

They walked back.

Soi Fon and Omaeda walked out.

It went silent again.

Soi Fon was a cupcake, and Omaeda was a watermelon.

Yachiru's explanation: "Well, I was still hungry, and I thought that I might as well give Fatso a shape he wouldn't have too much trouble getting used to."

Omaeda walked back with a clearly unhappier face.

Izuru the giant lemon walked out, extremely nervous and embarrassed. He saw Momo, who was trying not to laugh with a red face, and because he has next to no self esteem, poor Izuru flushed with embarrassment, tripped over his yellow shoes, fell, and rolled off the stage.

Nobody bothered to help him up, and everything went on just like he never existed. **O_O So…cruel…. But it's my fault, so what the hell.**

Unohana and Isane walked out…

wearing a getup that suspiciously resembled two eleventh division unseated officers mutilated by various hospital tools including but not limited to needles, scalpels, tweezers, stethoscopes, hand sanitizer, and tissues.

Yes, even tissues.

They walked back, wearing perfect smiles that supermodels would envy.

A nasty smell came from where the eleventh division was seated and everyone else scooted away. They didn't know what exactly happened there, but they all had a pretty good idea. **Candy for everyone who knows exactly what happened.**

Momo walked out in a Squidward costume. **I kill five brain cells every time I read that sentence.**

Yachiru's explanation: "I was watching Spongebob to annoy Pachinko Ball and Weirdo, and Weirdo said that the squid wasn't beautiful, and I was running out of ideas, and I wanted calamari."

She walked back.

Byakuya and Renji walked out, Byakuya's Death Glare daring people to comment. **Yes, it's so lethal it deserves to be a proper noun…**

Nobody commented.

They walked back.

Komamura the Cat walked out, accompanied by Iba the Giant Litterbox.

Nobody tried to hold their laughter in, because nobody really cares about Iba.

They walked back, Iba's head hung low in defeat and acknowledgement of his failure in life.

Shunsui and Nanao walked out, and some people wolf-whistled.

Nanao glared.

All wolf-whistles ceased.

The sake bottle walked back, accompanied by the cup.

What walked out was…a soggy waffle. **Candy for everyone who gets the joke. It's stupid, though…**

Nobody got the joke because they didn't speak English, and Hisagi (who didn't get it himself) walked back.

He didn't even know why he chose the costume he did. In the middle of the night, he was struck by a burning desire to dress up as a soggy waffle. **XD Guilty as charged.**

Toshiro came out with a fierce scowl on his face, which did not fit his adorable fluffy white kitty ears, whiskers, and full body suit (that included a tail). He was starting to wonder if it was actually _worth_ it, and he was dying in the heat of the suit.

But worse than even the heat was his mode of transportation, which happened to be a _certain_ "sexy maid".

Matsumoto changed her costume from "sexy maid" to "sexy maid with a murderous-looking little kitty-cat on her shoulder", because as she put it, she "already had everything she needed".

People would be talking about this for _weeks_.

The Soggy Waffle Man took out the little journal that he recorded interesting stories in and started writing.

Make that _years_.

Actually, that was uncertain, because nobody knew if Hisagi was actually going to publish the story, or if he was just using this as an opportunity to take a picture of Rangiku in her costume.

They walked back, Toshiro's white tail draped across her shoulders.

Out came a Christmas tree, shower curtains, a down comforter, a diaper, and the scariest of all, a Yachiru.

Yachiru's explanation: "Pachinko-Ball said I was the scariest thing ever." **He wasn't joking. Well…unless you've seen Charlotte in his (its?) Resurrection…***

Mayuri came out in his costume (which, by the way, included no changes to his head area) accompanied by Nemu, who was in the _skimpiest_ Sphinx costume ever created.

And the funniest thing is that while he wanted to draw attention to the "perfection of his creation", he would kill any man who looked at her. It didn't really matter _why_. **Mango loves the Twelfth Division. I hope I did them justice, especially Mayuri's mental instability, because I love them too.**

A giant leaf walked out accompanied by a cracked pot and a messed up bag. **This also applies to Sentaro and Kiyone's mental states.**

And before anyone had a chance to react, a knock was heard.

*** Speaking of Charlotte, what's up with his (its?) name? If he's (it's?) supposed to be a guy, then what's up with his (its?) name? Did his (its?) parents hate him (it?) or something?**

**Also, as you can see, I like suggesting that Charlotte might be an it.**

**Ciao, and stick around to see Aizen and Co.'s Treat or Die adventure! I can't really call it Trick or Treat because…it's the Espada and Aizen…**

**Review if you want! All are appreciated!**


	4. Treat or Die

**Meow: Okay, we have a few things to do before we go on with the story.**

**Renji was saying "get off my face".**

**Some random Eleventh Division member crapped his pants.**

**And if you didn't get the Soggy Waffle thing, say the last two syllables of Hisagi really slowly. (Mango's joke…)**

**And if you're wondering why Yachiru changed costumes, I'm sorry, I skipped the explanation…. *slaps self repeatedly* Ikkaku suggested it just before it was their turn to go up…**

**Disclaimer: If pheonixflamechimera78 owned Bleach, it would probably end and have no readers just because we would update like once a year. Also, we are not geniuses, unlike Kubo.**

**Okay, now that we have all that cleared up, the Treat or Die (which was written while Oops…I Did it Again the album was playing over and over and over again.) shall begin! It's actually **_**really**_** short…sorry…**

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**Bold**=Meow's A/Ns

_October 31, 2009 on Some Random Street That Nobody Cares About_

The Skittles costume really wasn't working as well as Aizen had hoped. In fact, it seemed that parents were ushering children _away_ from the party of twelve. Twelve, because nobody knew where Aaroniero was and nobody cared. **Aaroniero is fun to type.**

He just couldn't imagine why.

On the plus side, however, he and his lackeys could use their sonido and shunpo to steal all the candy from the idiots that leave stuff outside and say "please take one". **GASP! So **_**that's**_** why it's always gone! Anybody else wonder about that?**

It also seemed that some people were willing to give them half a bag of candy each just to get them off their lawn.

Once again, he just couldn't imagine why.

There was this one house where a middle-aged, short, overweight man opened the door, took one look at Ulquiorra, and slammed it in their faces.

Ulquiorra cero obscuroed his roof off.

The man, pants dripping, _**I**_** would pee my pants if an emo drunken Barbie cheerleader cero obscuroed my roof off. …No, I'd know it was Ulquiorra and glomp him, more like.** let them inside, allowed them to watch his 60" plasma, and drink all his beer.

It was the only chance anyone would ever get to watch Barney the Purple Dinosaur sing "Oops I did it Again" in a scary imitation of Britney Spears at top volume while trying to molest random people on the street. **O_ o That man must have **_**some**_** beer collection.**

Beer tastes really good if you drank nothing but margaritas, tequila, and tea for the past few decades.

By then, all the Espada and shinigami were drunk to some degree except for Tousen and Zommari, because "Alcohol is tainted by impurity," and "Drunken love is meaningless."

Gin was developing a Zommari-phobia, and to be honest, nobody really blamed him.

Also, _still_ nobody knew where Aaroniero was, and _still_ nobody cared.

After a few minutes of walking on the street purposelessly, Gin had an epiphany.

"Aizen, why don't we _*hic*_ go to another dimension?" he asked. "If we _*hic*_ end up in like _*hic*_ Candy Land or something…"

"Gin, you're a genius!" said the drunk evil mastermind. "Pinky, commence opening of the Pretty Hole of Pony Wonder!"*

So Pinky opened the Pretty Hole of Pony Wonder and after much aimless wandering, the crew felt lucky and went to a random dimension. **

They knocked on the door of the biggest building, thinking that it would probably hold the best candy.

They were greeted by some ten-thousand-strong partying shinigami.

So the drunk arrancar and traitorous shinigami were chased around the huge room, trying to avoid death, and in Aizen, Gin, and Tousen's case, Squidward, a giant lemon, and a soggy waffle.

They did, however, find Aaroniero, whose head-thingies were in the bobbing for apples tub and whose body was a piñata of some sort.

And still nobody cared. **What a sad, pointless life the poor thing leads…but I don't actually care.**

*** He **_**means**_** the Garganta.**

**** I don't think that's how it works, but…**

**Do you think I should write how the Karakura inhabitants spent their Halloween?**

**If not, then the next chapter shall be the last, the conclusion. Also, it will include how Aaroniero ended up as a piñata in the first place, but you probably don't care.**

**On a completely unrelated note, how many of you think that "Where Are You Now" by Britney Spears would make a good songfic for RanXGin? There're probably a million of them, but I'm too lazy to go and check…**

**I **_**will**_** write one if you want me too…I'm trying to work on more serious stuff…**

**But Mango will probably be all like, "Ew, Meow, don't write about **_**love**_**!"**

**Pfft.**


	5. Karakura Town part 1

**Meow: Inappropriate update timing FTW! XD Thanks to all of you who have waited so patiently! Please don't kill me! Happy holidays!**

**Heh, I got hyped up on candy canes last night…**

**WHEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!**

**Yes, I actually said that when I typed it. People are looking at me funny now…XD But I. DON'T. CARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!!**

**Disclaimer: I have to put up a disclaimer, but the funny thing is, if I said I owned Bleach, people would cart me off to a mental institution. So wouldn't they expect me to not own Bleach? What's the point of a disclaimer, then? Irony is ironic.**

**Erm…OOCness, I guess, in this chapter? It may not be as funny as the others… OTL… *gloom gloom gloom***

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_Italics_=setting/thoughts/emphasis

**Bold**=Meow's A/Ns

_October 31, 2009, Morning in Karakura Town, Ishida Uryu's house_

Uryu was feeling very cheery. He had spent nights on end preparing his Epic Costume of Win, and he smirked evilly as he looked at it one last time before hanging it in his closet.

Maybe if he wore this costume, people *coughcoughOrihimecoughcough* would respect him and _like_ him, instead of thinking of him as the Ultimate Nerd. Yes, maybe then they would think he had a sense of humor.

So, anyway, he got dressed, brushed his teeth, washed his face, brushed his hair, and prepared to go get his mail, cheerily, of course, for that was how he was feeling. He was very cheery indeed. Did I mention that before?

So he got his mail, went back inside, sat down at his table, and prepared to open his mail.

Bills, bills, school, Soul Society's R&D Lab, bills, sch-

Soul Society's R&D Lab?

_Oh, shit,_ he thought, all signs of cheerfulness vanished.

He pressed an ear to the envelope, making sure that it wasn't ticking or hissing or making some other threatening noise. After making sure that it probably wouldn't blow up in his face after he opened it- …Well, he opened it.

In it was a scrap of paper, with a couple of scrawled-on sentences on it. It read:

_Dress up as me, and you DIE, Quincytard. You DIE._

_Well, _that_ was heartwarming,_ he thought. And then, _Great. Now I need to find another costume. Ummmm…Maybe a glittery vampire? Girls like glittery vampires…right? _**But what will become of your dignity, Ishida-kun? Your **_**dignity**_**!!!!!**

_October 31, 2009, Morning in Karakura Town, Kurosaki Clinic_

"For the last *BLEEP*ing time, Dad, I'm not going to the party at Urahara Shoten! And I don't care if everyone else is going, I refuse to make a complete *BLEEP*ing fool out of myself by dressing up!" yelled Ichigo, sick and tired of his father's attempts to make him attend.

Isshin was unfazed by his son's colorful language. "But, my son, Rukia is going too! Surely you don't-"

"_She can go if she wants to!!!!!_" screamed Ichigo, pushed to the breaking point.

Rukia chose that time to come down the steps, dressed as -hazard a guess- Chappy the Bunny. "Ichigo, Nii-sama wants you to go as the Seaweed Ambassador," she said, holding a pile of green material that was probably Ichigo's costume.

Ichigo froze, and then turned to look at Rukia, an incredulous look on his face. "There's no way in _hell_," he said slowly, "to make me wear that."

"But this is your first trial!"

"What the-" he began, but was cut off.

"In order to court a Kuchiki," said Rukia, "You must go through three trials, hand-picked by the head of the clan, Nii-sama…"

"…" said Ichigo, while Rukia was describing in complete, gory detail what had happened to young men before him who had attempted to marry a Kuchiki woman.

"…And then there's no guarantee he won't kill you, even after you clear the trials," she added as an afterthought.

"This is your perfect chance to prove yourself!" cried Isshin, tears of joy streaming down his face. He ran to the poster of his deceased wife. "Masaki, we must believe that our son can complete the trials! We _will_ have grandchildren~!"

"NOOOO!!!!!" wailed poor Ichigo while slamming his face into the nearest wall repeatedly. Honestly, what did he do to deserve this?

He collapsed onto his knees and yelled towards the sky (or the ceiling), "Whoever's out there, I'M SORRY ALREADY!!!!!" **Thou shalt not be forgiven!!!**

He blinked. Sunlight poured in from his bedroom windows. _So it was just a dream,_ he thought with relief.

And then, a Chappy-shaped shadow loomed above him, holding a pile of green material. "Ichigo, Nii-sama wants you to go as the Seaweed Ambassador."

_Fuck._

_October 31, 2009, Morning in Karakura Town, Some Random Café on a Random Street_

"So, Orihime, are you going to that costume party at that store?" asked Keigo.

"Of course!" was her cheery reply.

Well, that settled it, Keigo was going too. And since Keigo was going, so was Tatsuki, because _someone_ had to kick his ass.

"What are you guys going as?" asked Mizuiro.

Orihime was obviously trying very hard to keep her costume a surprise. "I'm going as the scariest thing in the world!" she said after a few moments of consideration.

Keigo shouted, "I'm going as a chick magnet!" Everyone at the table stared at him, and after a few moments of awkward silence, he spoke again. "You must all be staring in wonder! Yes, you must be asking yourselves, 'Why is Keigo dressing up as something he already is?'"

After a few _more_ moments of awkward silence…………Actually, that was it. Nobody bothered to break it. Not even Tatsuki, who had yet to reveal her costume, or Orihime, who tended to break awkward silences.

But they were all thinking something along the lines of, _Staring in wonder of your boundless stupidity is closer to the mark…_

**Because Keigo's stupidity is truly without limits. BELIEVE IT!**

**Um…yeah, in case you haven't noticed, I've gotten back into Naruto…XD (bishies…Akatsuki…WEASEL…!*shot*) And Shaman King too, but besides Mango, I don't know anyone else who reads it. -_-'**

**I'm trying to cut back on the Author's Notes inserted throughout the story because I've received complaints about them *coughcoughRubyemmycoughhack*.**

**But if you like IchiXRuki, go read her/his/its stories; they're pretty good.**

**And no, I swear I don't know her/him/it. XD **

**I **_**swear**_**.**

**^/_\^ (Yes, yes, that's Happy Weasel…*dumped into pool of acid*)**

**BAI-BAI!!! *set on fire***


End file.
